Guys

This life is killing me. Currently I'm suppose to be doing homework and i can't even focus enough to start it. I feel like everything is coming apart and i can't win. The guy that everyone said liked me and i should go for turned out to be an asshole, in the end it boiled down to i wouldn't fuck him so he couldn't be with me. What a pathetic guy! Another guy i was staying with turned out to be someone completely different then i thought he was. He wanted to make out with me all night but then in the morning i had to be gone. I was officially a dirty little secret, which sucked. Then there was a guy that liked me and i denied liking him for two weeks and when i finally came around to saying it he decided that he hates me for no reason and won't talk to me. Every time i try to talk to him to figure it out he is high and can't focus on what I'm saying. Then finally i thought i got it right with the next guy we started texting and he was so sweet he told me that he doesn't kiss on the first date. From the sounds of that you would think that he was a real gentleman but he wasn't he ended up telling me that if he couldn't see me in my bra and underwear that we couldn't hang. He said that the reason he needed to see me was to make sure i have a good body cause he's a life guard and needs an in shape girlfriend.  The guy that tutors me is always saying really odd stuff over Facebook but i can't delete him because I'm going to fail the class and i need him to help me. Then my friend who is always there when i need him helps me through all this but after he gives me advice says weird sexual things or ask me to come over because he is lonely. I'm so fed up with people nobody can cut me a break and nobody wants to help me.

My Heart

When my world comes tumblin down you’re where i want to be.
You are a secret escape made just for me.
Your arms hold me safe and strong
Baby, you can always undo the wrong
I go to you to laugh and  cry
As i’m with you time flys by.
When i’m there everything is right
You always make my dreams take flight.
I hate that i have to go away
But i know i will see you again someday.
Cause nothing shall keep us apart
For you will always be in my heart.

Stupid girl, I should have known, I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale.... Those word couldn't be more right. Sometimes i start to think that i will never ever ever get my happily ever after, like the whole world is rooting for me to fail. These last couple of weeks have been horrible. Since i have moved to college nothing has been going right. I moved out here at the worst possible time when i moved my great grandpa was in the hospital fighting cancer. Thankfully the 2nd day i was out here he was released from the hospital but he's still not doing good and we all know that things with him are coming to an end. Just the other day i found out that my great grandma on my other side of the family was just diagnosed with cancer and she is not doing to well. After all this bad news i would love to move home and get away from this college and just be near my family. But since everything else was going terrible you know that this idea had to go wrong to. So i talked to my mom about going home and i can't because my lazy step dad won't get a job and since he won't get a job my mom can barely afford to pay the bills so they have to move out in like a month. I honestly don't want to be here anymore i want to go home so bad college sucks they keep giving me news articles to write that are nearly impossible to write because the people i need to talk to don't answer their phones. I don't think living here would be so bad if i had a better support system. Right now i have like nobody to talk to because me and my roommate aren't close enough to talk about stuff like, i just made friends and don't want to tell them all this about my life because i can't tell if they are real or fake yet and i feel like my boyfriend honestly doesn't care. He always tells me that he's here to support me, well actions speak louder than words. Some days i wish that when i felt like im falling off a cliff i knew that there is someone at the bottom to catch me, someone that would put in the effort to make things work, someone that would try and help with me with my problems, someone that cares, someone who randomly lets me know why they need me in their life but until then i must stand strong all by myself because in the end who else can you count on but yourself.

Don't ya just love love!

I am a lucky girl. Someday's  i don't appreciate my boy friend enough and i really should because he is an amazing man. For like the last week i felt we were just falling apart and that nothing was going right. But despite all of that he still hasn't given up on me and i love him for that. I know that we have been through hell and back and i bitch at him all the time but he really is an awesome guy and with all this fighting lately i can't even begin to remember the last time he really laughed until tonight. But when he did it was like i knew everything was going to be fine. It was like in that moment i knew that whatever made him fall in love with me might just still be there. Golly i sure hope it is because he is everything i could want and more (not to mention he's tall dark and hansom..really hansom). I'm sure everything's going to be okay and in the end it will all be worth the fight and struggles

Summer Fun is Drifting Away

My summer didn't go as i planned. I had a huge list of little things to before it ends. It was just a bunch of little silly things like have someone shut me up with a kiss and sleep over at someones house but i didn't get to do it so its kinda upsetting. I think that it's upsetting because when i started this summer i promised myself that my last summer as a child would  be the best one yet and now in the last couple of days i can barely manage to smile. Between my failing relationship, my grandpa being extremely sick and my big move. I just can't find the time to be happy. What doesn't help matters is that it seems like nobody cares about my problems and that nobody is trying to help me fix them. I just wish that there was one person who would listen to me cry and then help me dry my tears. But of course all i hear is why are you crying, crying gets you no where or get over it's not the worst thing in the world. Crying doesn't get you any where but who cares if i do it and it makes me feel better i don't see why you have to judge me for it, crying is one of my biggest stress relievers after i cry i don't feels so tense.  I just hope that in the next week and a half i take control of my summer and get it back i just wanna live for the moment, wake up happy and be care free because i know that moving is going to be so stressful. Not only am i moving away from my mom and younger siblings (Who i am very close with) but no my grandpas cancer has worsened i feel like i'm stuck between a  rock and a hard place on one hand i want to move and live my own life and be me but on the other hand i don't want to miss out of some of the last times i'm going to have with grandpa but i think i'm going to move because if i don't start my own adventures now i don't think i'll ever get to. I'm sure that my grandpa would want me to go and live life to the fullest so that's what i'm going to do.

Fear

Fear to be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening. Sometimes fears can be little like spiders, snakes, sharks and mice. But sometimes fears can be big like having the fear that a friend is going to pass away or having the fear that a loved one will endure a lot in the upcoming days. When your little your fears are things like monsters under the bed, bigger kids, shadows in the dark, and storms. Things that adults can help you with by scaring it away, holding you  or turning on the light. But what do you do when you're an adult and your fears have drastically changed into things that don’t have simple answers. What do you do when your fears are moving away, heartbreak, starting over in a new place and the safety of your love ones in their time of need. You must conquer your fears you can’t let them control your life. So there’s going to be sometimes in life that you're unsure what you should do or where you should go but that’s okay that’s the beauty of life never knowing what’s coming next and sometimes you’re not going to have some there to help you along your way but when you can’t lean on no one else that’s when you find yourself. Sometimes it’s just you against the world and other times it seems like you have an army of friends and family to help you fight. No matter who many or how few people help you conquer your fears always remember never let your fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

My body hates me

My body hates me. This statement is the sad truth my body really hates me after all the troubles i

have had with my knees and the muscles around it not wanting to work correctly my body has

now decided that i should have UTI’s at least once a month. In the last 3 months i have had 2

and i can tell that another one is soon to come and that really worries me. I went to the Dr.s and

they told me a list of things i can’t do no smoking, drinking, having sex or doing drugs well that’s

fine cause i don’t do any of that stuff anyways . Next they said if it happens again that it's not

something that i’m doing wrong that it’s something wrong internally. Great that just what i need to

move away from my parents so i can go to college and have serious medical problems. Of

course the hospital gave me a big long scary list of things that can happen if i don’t get better and

on the top of the list was not having children. That was one of the most depressing things i have

ever been told. I’m not even 18 yet and i might not have children. Ever since i was little i have

always wanted to be a mommy i thought it was my destiny to have children i just  figured i grow

up go to college get married and stop working so i could do the whole mommy thing and live

happily ever after. But these dreams seem like they might not happen they seem like they are

slowly becoming more and more out of my reach. If i can’t be a mommy i think that will be the

most heartbreaking thing ever. I honestly don't know what i will do if they say i can’t have kids.