Stupid girl, I should have known, I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale.... Those word couldn't be more right. Sometimes i start to think that i will never ever ever get my happily ever after, like the whole world is rooting for me to fail. These last couple of weeks have been horrible. Since i have moved to college nothing has been going right. I moved out here at the worst possible time when i moved my great grandpa was in the hospital fighting cancer. Thankfully the 2nd day i was out here he was released from the hospital but he's still not doing good and we all know that things with him are coming to an end. Just the other day i found out that my great grandma on my other side of the family was just diagnosed with cancer and she is not doing to well. After all this bad news i would love to move home and get away from this college and just be near my family. But since everything else was going terrible you know that this idea had to go wrong to. So i talked to my mom about going home and i can't because my lazy step dad won't get a job and since he won't get a job my mom can barely afford to pay the bills so they have to move out in like a month. I honestly don't want to be here anymore i want to go home so bad college sucks they keep giving me news articles to write that are nearly impossible to write because the people i need to talk to don't answer their phones. I don't think living here would be so bad if i had a better support system. Right now i have like nobody to talk to because me and my roommate aren't close enough to talk about stuff like, i just made friends and don't want to tell them all this about my life because i can't tell if they are real or fake yet and i feel like my boyfriend honestly doesn't care. He always tells me that he's here to support me, well actions speak louder than words. Some days i wish that when i felt like im falling off a cliff i knew that there is someone at the bottom to catch me, someone that would put in the effort to make things work, someone that would try and help with me with my problems, someone that cares, someone who randomly lets me know why they need me in their life but until then i must stand strong all by myself because in the end who else can you count on but yourself.

Don't ya just love love!

I am a lucky girl. Someday's  i don't appreciate my boy friend enough and i really should because he is an amazing man. For like the last week i felt we were just falling apart and that nothing was going right. But despite all of that he still hasn't given up on me and i love him for that. I know that we have been through hell and back and i bitch at him all the time but he really is an awesome guy and with all this fighting lately i can't even begin to remember the last time he really laughed until tonight. But when he did it was like i knew everything was going to be fine. It was like in that moment i knew that whatever made him fall in love with me might just still be there. Golly i sure hope it is because he is everything i could want and more (not to mention he's tall dark and hansom..really hansom). I'm sure everything's going to be okay and in the end it will all be worth the fight and struggles

Summer Fun is Drifting Away

My summer didn't go as i planned. I had a huge list of little things to before it ends. It was just a bunch of little silly things like have someone shut me up with a kiss and sleep over at someones house but i didn't get to do it so its kinda upsetting. I think that it's upsetting because when i started this summer i promised myself that my last summer as a child would  be the best one yet and now in the last couple of days i can barely manage to smile. Between my failing relationship, my grandpa being extremely sick and my big move. I just can't find the time to be happy. What doesn't help matters is that it seems like nobody cares about my problems and that nobody is trying to help me fix them. I just wish that there was one person who would listen to me cry and then help me dry my tears. But of course all i hear is why are you crying, crying gets you no where or get over it's not the worst thing in the world. Crying doesn't get you any where but who cares if i do it and it makes me feel better i don't see why you have to judge me for it, crying is one of my biggest stress relievers after i cry i don't feels so tense.  I just hope that in the next week and a half i take control of my summer and get it back i just wanna live for the moment, wake up happy and be care free because i know that moving is going to be so stressful. Not only am i moving away from my mom and younger siblings (Who i am very close with) but no my grandpas cancer has worsened i feel like i'm stuck between a  rock and a hard place on one hand i want to move and live my own life and be me but on the other hand i don't want to miss out of some of the last times i'm going to have with grandpa but i think i'm going to move because if i don't start my own adventures now i don't think i'll ever get to. I'm sure that my grandpa would want me to go and live life to the fullest so that's what i'm going to do.

Fear

Fear to be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening. Sometimes fears can be little like spiders, snakes, sharks and mice. But sometimes fears can be big like having the fear that a friend is going to pass away or having the fear that a loved one will endure a lot in the upcoming days. When your little your fears are things like monsters under the bed, bigger kids, shadows in the dark, and storms. Things that adults can help you with by scaring it away, holding you  or turning on the light. But what do you do when you're an adult and your fears have drastically changed into things that don’t have simple answers. What do you do when your fears are moving away, heartbreak, starting over in a new place and the safety of your love ones in their time of need. You must conquer your fears you can’t let them control your life. So there’s going to be sometimes in life that you're unsure what you should do or where you should go but that’s okay that’s the beauty of life never knowing what’s coming next and sometimes you’re not going to have some there to help you along your way but when you can’t lean on no one else that’s when you find yourself. Sometimes it’s just you against the world and other times it seems like you have an army of friends and family to help you fight. No matter who many or how few people help you conquer your fears always remember never let your fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

My body hates me

My body hates me. This statement is the sad truth my body really hates me after all the troubles i

have had with my knees and the muscles around it not wanting to work correctly my body has

now decided that i should have UTI’s at least once a month. In the last 3 months i have had 2

and i can tell that another one is soon to come and that really worries me. I went to the Dr.s and

they told me a list of things i can’t do no smoking, drinking, having sex or doing drugs well that’s

fine cause i don’t do any of that stuff anyways . Next they said if it happens again that it's not

something that i’m doing wrong that it’s something wrong internally. Great that just what i need to

move away from my parents so i can go to college and have serious medical problems. Of

course the hospital gave me a big long scary list of things that can happen if i don’t get better and

on the top of the list was not having children. That was one of the most depressing things i have

ever been told. I’m not even 18 yet and i might not have children. Ever since i was little i have

always wanted to be a mommy i thought it was my destiny to have children i just  figured i grow

up go to college get married and stop working so i could do the whole mommy thing and live

happily ever after. But these dreams seem like they might not happen they seem like they are

slowly becoming more and more out of my reach. If i can’t be a mommy i think that will be the

most heartbreaking thing ever. I honestly don't know what i will do if they say i can’t have kids.

Hi my name is Destiny

Some people are born with their voice from day one they know what they want and they say just that, while other people  never find theirs and they let everyone just push them around and then there's people like me who had a voice but through years of being hurt and not heard have lost there voice. Well I would like to say that i am no longer going to be that person with no voice because if you don't stand up for yourself then no one will. As of today i need to use my "words" and tell people what i want, what i need and how i feel. Now i know this isn't going to be an easy thing to do and it's going to take time but i have 28 days to get it done. There is no way that i can move to college with no voice. They will eat me alive or pressure me into becoming someone i'm not. So From now on this girl will no longer be apart of the crowd i'm going to stand up, stand out, be heard and lose my fear of rejection.

Long distance relationships will kill you

I once heard in a song " Long distance relationships will kill you " you don't know how true those words are  until you are in a LDR ( long distance relationship). A long distance relationship is so hard to understand from the outside looking in and then when you actually become a LDR couple it's even more confusing. It's like you always miss your partner and your partner is on your mind almost every second of the day, you wanna know what they are doing, what they are thinking and if your annoying them asking a ton of questions. One of the reasons it's so hard to be an LDR couple is because you see all these happy, smiling, laughing. hugging and kissing couples all the time which sucks because you can't be like those couple when your partner lives 30 mins away. Another thing that sucks about being a LDR couple is when your Skype doesn't work because that means it's going to be even longer until you get to see your partner. But even though we don't see each other and we can't cuddle or even have a normal relationship i would trade my LDR for the world my boyfriend is an amazing man. He is funny, smart, caring, kind and he tries so hard to think of new ways to keep our relationship interesting.  Sadly there have been some days that i have honestly wanted to give up and walk away from everything because i was mad or stressed but he has stayed her right beside me as the "storms" blew through and I couldn't thank him more for putting up with me and everything i go through.

Don't worry be happy :)

It's the little things in life that mean the most whether it's eating peanut butter out of the jar, spending one on one time with your dad or just watching movies life's made up of the little "silly" moments. So live it up and enjoy them never forget to do the silly little things that make you happy 

To Smoke or Not to Smoke is the Question

To smoke or not to smoke.
Which will it be
because it's smoking or me
To smoke or not smoke
You have to choose
Pick them and it's me you loose
To smoke or not to smoke
It ruins you life
and i can tell you i won't be your wife
To smoke or not to smoke
It will blacken your lung
And make you have fuzzy on your tongue
To smoke or not smoke 
I can tell
It's hard to hide that nasty smell
To smoke or not to smoke
Did you decide
Them nasty things or your lovely bride
To smoke or not to smoke
I think it's ewwww
But the choice is yours its all up to you.

Escape

Flee, run away, evade, get away, elude, avoid, escape all words that described how i am feeling right about now. I'm caught somewhere in between 10 and 20, the stage where you have freedom but not nearly as much as you want and it sucks big time. It's like i have so many responsibility's and no freedom. Every ones always saying do this and do that but nobody is every saying what do you want to do and the older i get the more i realize that Langston Hughes was right when he said "Life ain't no crystal stare".  As i grew up i knew not everything was going to be easy but i didn't think everything was going to be nearly as hard as it is. When your little you think that love will just find you and that you will be with that person for the rest of your life and you will live happily ever after. Well sorry to burst every ones bubble but that's not how it is at all love is complicated  and just when you think you've got it right something happens to make everything go all wrong again. Trust me i have the worst love life ever! I'm in a long distance relationship now with someone i have know since i was 8 and i thought that we were just prefect for each other and the more i think about it the more i am unsure. For starters he is totally opposite of me which isn't always a bad thing but i am the typical good girl and he the typical bad boy. Then after everyone told me that it would never work because of his past and all the criminal things he had done  he went and cheated on me. There's also a 2 year age difference and I'm older so sometimes i wish he was a little more mature. Also my parents hate him because he cheated and all the terrible rumours they have heard about him so i am never aloud to see him. Oh and to top everything off he has a court hearing in a couple of days, where he might get sent back to jail. But i love him and he said that he has changed from his criminal ways which i honestly thing he has but hey what do i know hes 30 mins away and i can't see him and i believed the last time that he said he changed so i guess will just have to wait and see what happens. Another thing that makes life difficult is getting a job. Everyone is always saying get a job so then you apply to every place in town and play the waiting game until someone hires you if they ever do. I tryed to get a job for the last six months now and had no luck until recently. I got a job at a local private business and thought of i can handle it... I so can't handle it. It is the worst job ever all my friends work at local fast food chains and I'm stuck cleaning a local business/house. I know your thinking how can that be so bad its such an easy job. My answer to that is yes the cleaning part of it is an easy job but dealing with my boss is the hard part. Where to start with my boss she's not mean and she doesn't over work me. Whats wrong with her is that she is CRAZY. For example today since she is elderly i thought that i would be accompanying her to church instead we got to her house/ business were i find out that she is a minster and it will be me and her today and she will be teaching me about god. So me trying to make the best of a situation sits down and is ready to learn. She starts talking about how Jesus can talk to you and how i should talk to him too. So she takes my hands and tells me to think of some things to pray for so i do an do and she says now your gonna start speaking tongues. She tells me that she was to me to start babbling like a baby as i think about the things i am praying for so i do and she yell look at you your speaking in tongues to the lord only you and the lord can understand what your talking about. So for the next 20 mins i sit there and say beep boop bo bo da da da bee bee bop bopo really fast over and over again as i think if things to pray for. Since i was so good at that she decides that she is gonna baptize me right then and there in here own home. She runs upstairs and starts preparing the bath tub. Next she hands me a shirt of hers to put on to get baptized in and mind you shes a plus size lady and I'm a size 2 so i was wearing her shirt as a dress with nothing on underneath. So she said some words and held my head under water and told me to get up and get redressed into my clothes and we went down stairs and she took me home. So having a job isn't easy what so ever and the whole time that all that stuff was happening i was crying and she thought it was because i experienced the holy ghost when in reality it was because i was scared. So Langston Hughes defiantly had it right when he said life ain't no crystal stare.